18 Nice Gifts for the Naughty (NSFW)

Yeah, dude. Why aren't we having sex right now? I mean, not with each other, though I'm sure you're great and all. No, but why aren't we having sex right now with other people? Our significant others? Eager beavers we met at Vaccingles Night? Or at the very least, ourselves?

Snakes and temptation always seem to go hand-in-hand, and this Medusa Bodysuit is no exception. Sssexy, sssee-through, and ssslithering with ssserpents that maybe will, maybe won't cover up a lady's naughty bitsss, the Thistle and Spire design arrives in time to make an appearance on Christmas, and always on time to make an appearance in the bedroom.

And, dudes, if she pulls the whole "My eyes are up here" thing in the Medusa Bodysuit, don't forget to remind her that looking into Medusa's eyes is what turns people to stone.

The Lovers' Embrace Coffee Table, or, as I like to call it, the Sexy Time Coffee Table, has no known artist, date, or origin. At least not that its seller, Furnish Me Vintage, is aware of. Best guess is that the massive slab of monkey pod hardwood used for the hay-rollin' couple was hand-carved in Southeast Asia sometime in the second half of the 20th century. It makes sense to me, especially given the dude is going all "Tune in, Tokyo!" on his lady's boobie.

Unleash the Kraken Dildo! Seven inches long and suction-cup ready for anal penetration! ... Uh, what? On second thought, dude, keep that thing to yourself. I'm still reeling over the Corn Dog Butt Plug.

The Kraken Dildo is a set of spiraling squid tentacles whose bulging suckers and black-lacquer thermoplastic rubber composition give it a formidable appearance, and suggest this is not a sex toy for the faint of heart. Or rather, sphincter. However, the dildo's makers insist it has a "delicate texture" that can "not only increase friction and better stimulate the inner wall of your vagina or anus, but also ensure that the animal dildo can slip in like butter and fill you up." So, yeah. There's that.

From MysteryVibe: Bring a new vibe into the bedroom - quite literally. Dubbed "The Best Sex Toy for Men and Women" by sex therapists, there are multiple reasons the bendable smart vibrator, Crescendo 2, is highly rated time and time again. It bends over backwards to deliver powerful vibrations where you want them. Literally.

These Bong Butt Plugs are smokin' hot! Though I'm not sure if it's from the Blue Dream or the 3 bowls of Four-Chile Chili I ate during NFL Sunday coming out of them.

Glow F Yourself invites us all along for "adventure time" with a diverse series of Bong Butt Plugs. And they're not just diverse in their existence alone as a combo sex toy and smoking accessory - you know, a lil' something for the dudes and ladies with diverse tastes. These particular Bong Butt Plugs are also diverse amongst themselves. They come in multiple sizes, from Small to MAGNUM and, more notably, an array of bong "toppers," including beakers, pineapples, ice cream cones, and sriracha bottles.

I have so many sexy questions about The Astrosex Series. The first one is obvious: do I want to have the best sex according to my star sign? Well I'm no president of the Astrology Fan Club, but if by "best sex" Astrosex actually means, "best sex", then you bet your Pisces I want to have the best sex according to my star sign.

But that brings us to my second question: what if my wife, She-Ra: Princess of Power, feels the same? What if she too wants to have the best sex according to her star sign, which is not the same star sign as my star sign? Do we have to draw straws to determine which one of us gets to have the best sex?

Wanna see the Tenga...Flex? Yeah you do, and not because this male masturbator has hard, rippling muscles that will make you feel like an inadequate piece of shit. On the contrary , it's because the Tenga Flex has soft, ripp- no, make that spiraling muscles that will make you feel like the sexiest dude alive.

Or at least the most sexed dude alive, if you use the often enough to jack off.

Nothing sets off a slit better than...well, the leg underneath it. Ahem, Angelina Jolie. But after that, definitely one of these Leg Chains. Any one of them. They're all hot. So hot. Like, Yowza!, Waa-waa-wee-wow!, How you doin'? hot. My preference is the dangly silver Leg Chain with the turquoise bauble, but I'd take my wife, She-Ra: Princess Power, in any one of them.

Rihanna's Savage X Fenty lingerie line originally set out to disrupt the industry and redefine sexy with fashionable designs that are both affordable and suited to all types of bodies. The recently released Savage X Fenty men's lingerie collection, featuring everything from silky bathrobes to lacy half-shirts and tighty...reddies, definitely does not deviate from that goal.

Lovehoney's Sex Toy Advent Calendars come in 24-day versions for couples, and 12-day versions for just the dudes or just the ladies. Psssh. Half the amount of adult fun and naughty pleasure in the Christmas countdowns for those who are solo. Single people always get screwed.

And now at least they can relish it with the Blowmotion Male Masturbator and Womanizer Vibrator headlining Lovehoney's 12 Days of Play Sex Toy Advent Calendars for penis owners and vulva owners, respectively!

ABananaCover might not be as sexy as a banana hammock, but these naked feeling boxer briefs sure look a helluva lot more comfortable 'round back than the flossy fabric of a thong wedged between my butt cheeks. And made of superfine micro modal fabric, these ultra-soft, barely-there underwear won't just feel commando-esque, they'll also wear thin enough that you won't have to deal with panty lines. So toss the banana hammock to the screaming ladies, dudes, and get ready to snuggle your junk under ABananaCover!

In a bad situation, I think I'd say the same thing about seeing Assless Yoga Pants as I would about seeing Superman: Here they come to save the daaaaay!

Very unsurprisingly, Assless Yoga Pants come to us from CherryChiChi, the same brand that thrust the yoga sex clothing phenomenon in our faces with Crotchless Yoga Pants. And if you're wondering why we need both Crotchless and Assless Yoga Pants in our yoga practice, well, see, it's because Crotchless Yoga Pants have a giant hole where the crotch would be, whereas Assless Yoga Pants have a giant hole where the ass would be. They're totally different!