20 Gifts for Every Mood

Don't panic, plant it at the disco! This Hanging Disco Ball Planter brings some sparkle to your greenery and blooms. Especially the greenery and blooms you can't quite cultivate to look like they actually enjoy living in your house.

In addition to reflecting light and giving your plants an excuse to party day and night, the Hanging Disco Ball Planter also helps keep them well-fed with its self-watering design.

The long wait for your Mate is over! Virtual Mate has released some very slick - like, Astroglide slick - new technology. Self-described as "the world's first virtual intimacy system," Virtual Mate is a hyper-realistic VR sex game for your PC, laptop, mobile device, or VR Headset primed to beguile and get off everyone from gamers to, well, dudes with a pulse.

The German-made Womanizer lures in lusty ladies with its PleasureAir technology, a feature that stimulates the clitoris without direct contact. No, I don't know why that translates to longer, more intense, multiple, and no-fail orgasms either, but the number of reviews containing the word "amazing" in them suggests touchless clitoral stimulation isn't just pseudoscience or lip service.

Well. Maybe a different kind of lip service.

Author Robb Pearlman and illustrator Jason Kayser call Pet This F*cking Puppy the "first-ever touch-and-feel book for grown-ups." I have to disagree with that - haven't they seen Pat the Zombie? - but I do think their take brings a different kind of interactive stress relief to the genre. The kind that reminds you we've all been there, that if you don't laugh about it you'll end up crying.

Give your cuticles, dry skin, scabs, and nose holes a break. Pick 'N Peel Stones will provide the same type of release for your anxiety and antsiness without making you bleed or leaving a scar. Some of you pickers may have already channeled some of your stress and excess energy into a Pop It Pal. Thick of Pick 'N Peel Stones as the beautiful, and infinitely less gross, version of a pimple popping simulator.

Ain't no practical joke more practical than Tirecockz. The ridickulous penis tire valve stem caps will humiliate your friend Cornelius (more than driving a Dodge Neon beater already does) but still protect his valve stems while he's spinning porkswords to get home to figure out how to make you pay for this purple-nozzled yogurt slinger of injustices.

Toblerone has built 45, 100-gram servings into their 10-pound mountain range of chocolate, honey, and almond nougat. That's: 1) The largest Toblerone in production; 2) 23,625 calories of smooth Swiss chocolate goodness; 3) Enough apologies to your girlfriend for forgetting / showing up late / being inconsiderate / saying the wrong thing / taking her literally / not taking her literally / generally F'ing up to cover the entirety of 2022.

Who remembers the CASIOTRON? Casio's 1974 release of the world's first digital watch with an automatic calendar. Well, also looking svelte and cutting-edge in that chunky, throwback sort of way is the timepiece magnate's Databank Calculator Watch. Time, date, 1/100 second stopwatch, and basic mathematical functions - what more does one need to wade through the murky waters of life? Also, it looks like it came straight to 2022 from an Anthony Michael Hall movie, so bonus points awarded there.

This line of Nostalgia with a Twist of Darkness T-Shirts comes from the dark and nostalgic mind of artist Steven Rhodes. I've included some of my favorites in the images above, but there are dozens more to choose from, some of which are too black and occult in their humor even for me. T-Shirts with "Let's Sacrifice Toby," "My First Knife Fight," and "Learn About Subtraction," each with corresponding images of children doing things no one, especially children, should be doing immediately come to mind.

If your favorite pastime is riling up Karens the world over, get ready for hours of fun with Offensive Crayons. And even if you think you yourself are open to the politically incorrect, unless you're Daniel Tosh politically incorrect, you might wince at the idea of coloring a neutral abstract out of Miscarriage Maroon and Travel Ban Brown, with accents of Insufferable Vegan Green, and the unavoidable wash of Privilege White.