2023 Holiday Gift Guide: Dirty, Dirty Santa Gifts
Dirty Santa, your day has come. Yesterday I showed you a fine collection of Secret Santa gifts, and explained the concept of and motivation behind participating in that type of gift exchange. Today, things get even more fun, and a whole lot dirtier, with my roundup of offerings for a Dirty Santa gift exchange.
Dirty Santa - or White Elephant, if you prefer, though I'm sticking with the jolly fat man theme this year - gift exchanges deviate from the Secret Santa version in a few ways. First, while the latter presumes you're going to buy a single recipient an item they will love and want to keep, Dirty Santas wrap up funny, weird, gross, and / or lewd items an eventual recipient will be forced to keep. That is, rather than drawing someone to buy for prior to the Dirty Santa gift exchange, all participants simply bring a wrapped gift with no tag on it and add it to an anonymous pile. And then the fun begins.
A hat is passed, people draw numbers, and the person who drew #1 selects a gift at random from the pile. After opening, guffawing, and showing it around the room, the person who drew #2 has the option to select and open a second gift from the pile, or steal person #1's treasure. The exchange continues from there, with the opening / stealing continuing until the pile of wrapped gifts is empty. Oh, an anyone who has their gift stolen can then choose to steal an open gift that wasn't just stolen from them, or return to the pile and open a new one.
And that's it. A very straightforward and wholesome explanation of the Dirty Santa gift exchange from your resident Dude.
And now, in stark contrast, here are your same resident Dude's scheming, indecent, and occasionally NSFW suggestions for dirty, dirty, dirty Dirty Santa gifts to contribute to it.
Note: All Dirty Santa gifts are priced as they were at printing on November 10, 2023. Pricing, and availability, are subject to change.
Deeply Satisfying Poo In Progress Bathroom Warning Sign
This Deeply Satisfying Poo In Progress Bathroom Warning Sign is a pretty good way to communicate. Granted, it probably won't build the deep connection with family and friends discussing your turds directly would, but anyone who sees the sandwich board sitting outside the door to your throne room will certainly relate, and get some good LOLs out of it.
Better yet, the warning sign is dually functional. While you're on the john, you'll face the "Deeply Satisfying Poo In Progress" side of it outward. Then when you're done, twist the sign 180 degrees, and let anyone considering using the bathroom next to "Give It 10 Minutes."
Unneutered Cat Stuffed Animal
According to Unneutered Cat Stuffed Animal seller, the Japanese brand OOPSHANA, the "application" of this testicled feline plushie is "everywhere you like, suitable for bedroom, living room, home, office, etc." Hmmm. Living room decor? Office knick-knack? As a dude who hails from the prude nation that is the US of A, I'm not sure I agree.
Unless, of course, you're using ol' Berries the Cat as an ongoing prank. The Unneutered Cat Stuffed Animal that travels through the lives of you and your buds, stealthily popping up - and plopping his balls down - on each other's couches, beds, and desks when the owner least suspects it. "Aw, gonads!" you'll say when Berries greets you. "Deez nuts got me again!"
Kama Sutra Bucket List Scratch Poster
A whole bucket list of Kama Sutra positions? Um, I feel like my whole bucket list contains making it through just one single Kama Sutra position. I mean, seriously dudes, The Spider? The Sidekick? The Tornado?! They all seem like having sex on the beach - nice in theory, really awkward and uncomfortable in practice. With a high probability of chafing. A dirty, Dirty Santa gift, indeed.
Dicklicious Penis Lipstick
I've seen lipstick on a penis, but Dicklicious is my first encounter with penis on a lipstick. I mean, unless we're talking dog penis, which when exhibited in a certain state goes by the colloquial name, "red lipstick," but in terms of human penis lipstick, nope. Dicklicious is the first I've ever seen.
But given all the Dirty Santa gift exchanges, plus searches for mother-in-law stocking stuffers this holiday season has in store, I'm certain it won't be the last.
Sockdoms Scented Condom Socks
No, Sockdoms Scented Condom Socks were not designed for hygienically diddling someone with your foot like Lorals Latex Panties were designed for oral sex. Though I suppose you could wear a pair of Sockdoms if foot-diddling is your particular take on the term "foot fetish," and you want to provide some semblance of protection for your foot, as well as your recipient's sensitive bits if you've got a lot of calluses and sharp toenails.
But in fact, Sockdoms were invented for...the exact same purpose as any other pair of tube socks: to keep your feet cool, dry, comfy, and blister-free inside a pair of sneakers. Or birkenstocks and crocs, if that's how you roll, Dad.
Mythical Meats Humanoid Snack Sticks
Ever want to sink your teeth into some mermaid tail? Well, have at it, dudes. Just don't go looking for flavors of Ariel or Daryl Hannah in your box of Mythical Meats Humanoid Snack Sticks - no mythical creatures were harmed in the drying and dehydration of these high-protein treats.
Just pigs, cows, chickens, and a camel or two.
No joke about the camels. The Centaur Snack Stick is made of smoked beef and camel.
Chazz Genitalia-Flavored Kettle Chips
You dudes and ladies gotten a load - or a whiff - of Chazz Genitalia-Flavored Kettle Chips yet? They're available in both D*ck and Pus*y flavors, but (oddly? obviously?) not a mixed bag of both. And though you probably already know how at least one of them tastes, I will provide you with Lithuanian brand Chazz's description anyway:
"Regarding the TASTE: the taste of both Pus*y and D*ck chips is extremely good, and many who have tasted them will like them."
So there you have it, whether you want to stuff your face with a male or female crotch while watching this week's episode of The Great British Baking Show, you'll enjoy an extremely good crotchal flavor that you will like very much. Probably. Presuming you're one of the many.
Betty White Hard Seltzer Tumbler
Nothing pairs better with White Claw than Betty White Claw. That is, a side of Betty White, national treasure, flipping the bird. The Betty White Hard Seltzer Tumbler gives us that, and a whole lot more, in a double-walled, vacuum sealed cup that keeps drinks hot or cold while paying the Golden Girls icon the tribute she deserves.
The parodied White Claw label on the Betty White Hard Seltzer Tumbler is as clever as the best prank gift box designs. In addition to the choice photo of Ms. White, the front of the tumbler tells us she's "Pure legend," "Aged 100 years (basically)," and "Better than we deserve." All true. And the fun continues on the back, with the White Claw mission statement and nutrition label also translated into a Betty homage.
Dihydrogen Monoxide Warning Sticker
An oldie but goodie prank for coworkers heading towards the water cooler, or fun deterrent for kids who haven't seen it yet, and keep drinking all your OJ and sodie, the Dihydrogen Monoxide Warning Sticker comes in 3" x 5" and make-damn-sure-they-see-the-joke 4.5" x 7.5" sizes.
Denim Thong Underwear
I particularly like that the Denim Thong Underwear have the words, "Do what you love" printed on the right side of their wearer's crotch. Inspiration, and motivation, for ladies who might wonder if they should be having so much sexy time, as well as a notification to their sexy time partners that they best love what they're about to do, and follow it up with a sparkly, finger-sized indication of that love in the near future, or the next time the pants come off, instead of the Denim Thong, they'll find a pair of Lord of the Rings Underwear instead.
The Xanax Candle, while most obviously a Dirty Santa or gag gift, does endeavor to provide some anxiety relief like its namesake. OK, fine. Maybe not like its namesake, per se, but whatever level of calm and relaxation aromatherapy can provide, the Xanax Candle has that.
Nicely named the Xandle, the candle is made of organic soy and beeswax, and gives off the decidedly un-Xanax scent of sandalwood.
Penis Charcuterie Board
No one will be able to beat your meat, or resist your cheese, or help but grab your berries, when you arrange them atop the Penis Charcuterie Board. It's the best reference to genitalia I've seen in a serving tray since the Shark Coochie Board, perfect for bachelorette parties, and any night of entertaining people who love them some sausage-on-sausage action.
Blackhead Plucker Fidget Toy
Never thought a Blackhead Plucker Fidget Toy would be part of an Angel's Wonderland, but indeed this Blackhead Plucker Fidget Toy comes to us straight from Angel's Wonderland. True, it's the brand, not the theme park in Heaven, but still, the thought of finding some cartoonish kid with a face full of blackheads ready to be tweezed out by your own hands in any sort of Wonderland, much less a Wonderland run by angels, seems a little...less than angelic.
But apparently these angels aren't so hung up on what it looks like to invite people to mess around with kids with acne and clogged pores. Maybe it's because they have the greater good in mind: helping people get their fidgets out, channel their stress and anxiety, and address their trichotillomania in a much healthier way. Yep, trichotillomania. The compulsive desire to pull your own hair out. Yet another thing I never thought would be part of an Angel's Wonderland.
I'd hit that. The P*ssy Pipe from ceramic smoking pipe shop Fajni Fajky isn't just lit and smokin' hot, it's ready to be lit and smoked hot.
And passed around, shared by everyone.
Provided you have the express permission of its owner, of course.
Dirty Talking Gingerbread Man Christmas Tree Ornament
Two notes about this Dirty Talking Gingerbread Man Christmas tree ornament stand out to me: 1) "NOT FOR KIDS"; and 2) "Simply squeeze the body of the Naughty Gingerbread Man ornament to hear him say outrageous things! Squeeze him again to make it stop."
The not for kids part indicates that seller Tekky is not playin' around when they use the words "dirty" and "naughty," nor are Gingy's candy cane 'n' Christmas plum visuals an optical illusion. And the squeeze him again to make him stop yelling things like, "Wanna lick?" and "I got your North Pole right here!" part, well. I believe that suggests every time you turn the Dirty Talking Gingerbread Man Christmas tree ornament on, there's a 50/50 chance you're not going to be able to turn him back off. Ho, ho, ho! meet Heh, heh, heh!
Butt Plug Sink Plug
Ain't nothing getting past this sphincter! The Butt Plug Sink Plug is a mighty - and extra cheeky - addition to the bathroom on so many levels. It's silly and funny. It serves a real and useful purpose. And it allows those of us who aren't so sure about butt plugs to get in on the butt plug fun without having to plug it up our own butts.
Christmas Tree Toilet Plunger
A Christmas Tree Toilet Plunger really isn't a bad prop for Christmas 2023. I for one am hoping we can shove all the piles of shit we've accumulated over the year down the toilet this holiday season, and Baby Jesus knows if we're successful in doing so, we better be prepared for a few clogs along the way.