Fear Mongering: The 10 Scariest Halloween Masks
The fear factor of these scary Halloween masks lies somewhere between disturbing and spine-chilling. Between nightmares for the night and nightmares for the month. Between Ugh, what is that? and CAN. NOT. UN. SEE. I'm the fear monger and these are my picks: The 10 Scariest Halloween Masks.
The Boogeyman. $670. The Boogeyman is gonna get you. And if he doesn't his dentist will. Composite Effects (CFX) will make this mask in your choice of pale or jaundiced, and regular or zombie.
Cheshire Cat. $159. I must have an inherent fear of cats because it just occurred to me they account for 20% of my 10 Scariest Halloween masks. The green eyes and razor blade grin on this too-many-toothed Cheshire Cat mask from Ministry of Masks say exactly two things: "I just snorted 3 lines of coke and took 8 times my recommended dosage of Adderall," and "I'm hungry." And still, I'd rather be locked in a room alone with Wonderland's twisted feline than I would with the bone-chilling spawn of ancient Egypt that follows.
Screaming Sphinx. $47. I bet you're a dog person now.
White Walker. $995. Though not the scariest of the fear mongers, I would still rather look like a White Walker than at one. This version is a past CFX Mask of the Month. Their monstrosities typically sell out, but the company will still consider recreating one by request, and upon display of the ability raise a legion of wights to do your bidding.
Baby Heads. $450 to $500. People who think babies are angelic and precious, I see your Gerber models, and raise you these three baby head masks. No, make that these three enormous, bulbous, horrifying, spawn-of-Chucky baby head masks. Landon Meier, perhaps the most adept manipulator of Latex on the planet, crafts his newborn perversions by hand, signing and numbering each and shipping them off with a display stand. Because when you're not donning Disgusted Baby, Cry Baby, and Happy Baby on your head to skeeve people out on All Hallows' Eve--or any old day in the Chuck E. Cheese parking lot--they should be exhibited conspicuously on the fireplace mantel, where their sinister vibes will permeate your own soul as well.
Creep Out & The Victim. $66 & $63. The only thing worse than some evil mastermind, bloodthirsty monster, or power-hungry alien taking control of your body is some evil mastermind, bloodthirsty monster, or power-hungry alien taking control of your body and then using it as a host they can eat away at or explode out of. I don't like Chestbursters, I don't like Kuato, and if my friend Cornelius shows up in a Creep Out or The Victim mask this Halloween, I am going to erratic left fin whack him down and erratic Left Shark dance all over his face.
The Handsome Guy. $799. What's scary about this mask is that The Handsome Guy looks like the creepy inbred perv next door in the above photo, but if you click through to mask creator SPFX's image gallery, he transforms into Creepy Bald Vanilla Ice (or is that Channing Tatum?) and then again into Total Badass Walter White. A man of so many faces is the most troublesome man of all.
Evil Corn. $49. People often wonder if corn is good or bad for you. I think we have our answer. Green eyes, rotting teeth, diseased skull. If corn doesn't kill you from the inside out, I guarantee Evil Corn will do it from the outside in.
Slipknot Chris Mask. $41. This Halloween, dress like you grew up in Iowa. The many men of Slipknot have many faces, most of them incredibly disturbing and fitting for a night of scaring the ever-loving sweet Jesus out of kiddos and seniors and maybe everyone you pass who doesn't have a severe vision impairment. My favorite (for lack of a better word) is the sadistic-looking Pinocchio bondage mug that is Chris.
Wacko Jacko. Rest in peace, Michael, but please, please do not rest in my line of sight. Holy crap, I've had one of my browser tabs open to this mask for about 3 days now and every time I inadvertently click on it I have to hold back an audible yelp. Its only redeeming quality is that it seems to have been discontinued by the manufacturer. Probably due to the number of heart attacks they're now being sued for.