No Give Backs! 18 White Elephant Gifts for 2021
No take backs becomes no give backs when we get to the most festive parties of the holiday season: white elephant gift exchanges. And these 18 white elephant gifts guarantee not to disappoint...at least in the sense that they'll most likely disappoint the person when ends up stuck with them.
Note: All 18 white elephant gifts are priced as they were at printing on November 23, 2021. Pricing, and availability, are subject to change.
Bob Ross Talking Clapper & Night Light
Bob Ross and his happy little trees turned into a combo talking clapper and night light have turned me into a very happy little dude. Well. Maybe not so little. I've made a lot of mistakes...I mean happy accidents...in my food choices this holiday season.
Bob Ross and his painting plug into the wall just like a boring, unartistic Clapper, but in addition to turning your connected lamp on and off with a clap, clap, they also light up themselves. Aaaand, with 3 claps instead of two, you'll receive some Bob Ross spoken wisdom along with your ambient lighting. The beloved painter says either, "If painting does nothing else, it should make you happy," or "You have to have dark before you show light."
Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes
Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes by Paul "Fotie" Photenhauer serves as a reminder to be careful what you wish for. For example, if a dude asks what you want for dessert, consider a plate of Creamy Cum Crepes before saying, "You!" And when you think you want him inside you so bad, let the espresso-, brandy-, and semen-soaked ladyfingers in a piece of Natural Harvest's Tiramisu make a quick, er, spurt into your head before you voice your desires.
Funny Warning Stickers
These funny warning stickers from Bumblefack of Etsy shop AvEwerkz are like my favorite bumper sticker, "WARNING: This Vehicle Makes Frequent Stops at Your Mom's House," but for an industrial workplace setting, or your home workshop. Or maybe even stuck on the computer, desk toys, desk chair, and weight bench in your WFH office.
SIPSIP Wine Glass - The Wine Glass with a Straw
The SIPSIP Wine Glass is a wine glass with a straw, intended for people who are not me. In other words, people who want to drink lightly and politely. Who don't want to risk dribbling red wine on their white shirts and couches. Who don't want to leave lipstick marks on their wine glass and wine marks on their teeth. Who want to be able to suck down pour after pour without ever going to the trouble lifting their wine glass off the table.
I suppose in that last regard, the SIPSIP Wine Glass is the perfect gift for me.
The Hype Button
Believe the hype. Live up to the hype. Be your own hype man - or lady - and annoy the ever loving hype out of everyone around you. All with a single press of The Hype Button, a battery-powered sound machine that blasts an effect of the hip hop world's beloved air horn.
Cock Block Doorstop
A cock block isn't always a bad thing. Especially if your arms are full beers and tacos and you need something to hold the door open for you. The Cock Block Doorstop is just the cock for that kind of block. Coincidentally, the door wedge is also physically a block that's been 3D printed into the shape of a cock.
Fake Freckle Pens
Oh the changing whims of beauty! Seems like just yesterday everyone was buying makeup to hide their freckles, and now we have Freckle Pens made specifically to help dot on fake ones. Ladies, I don't know how you keep up. And if you're indeed as exhausted performing all of these grooming rituals as I am reading about them, I recommend you adopt the very simple one I follow: shower with soap and shave.
Unless you run out of the former, in which case water only is fine, and if you don't feel like doing the latter, just say you're letting it grow to raise money for cancer.
The FartVac - Suck Up Smelly Farts Before They Escape
As excited as I know you all are to stick the FartVac up your butt in the name of sucking up smelly farts before they escape into the room, and noses of your family / date / coworkers / fellow citizens waiting at the DMV, I'm afraid the FartVac does not go up your butt. In fact, FartVac explicitly states in its fart vortex usage instructions, "DO NOT insert the tubing into your anus or any other part of your body."
Consolation prize: you can insert the FartVac very close to your bunghole, maybe even brushing it enough to make your sphincter contract!
Reusable Toilet Paper
From Green & Happy Shop comes this green and...uh, not so sure about the happy part...product to help you reduce waste and lower your carbon footprint at home. Reusable toilet paper is a 10-sheet roll of cotton flannel cloths that slips on your spool just like regular tp, and wipes your butt just like regular tp, but rather than flushing like regular tp, gets deposited in the wash to re-roll, re-spool, and re-wipe your butt when it's clean.
Penis Light Switch Cover
Tee-hee-hee! Or should I say, Pee-hee-hee! Here are some penis light switch covers for all the lovers and lovers-less out there who just want a romantic night with some of that D. This penis is down for some lights-off action, but also flicks right up if you want to get dirty with the lights on.
Mini Brands Food Mystery Capsule
Can I get a mini Leslie Jones with my Mini Brands Food Mystery Capsule? I'd like to build a diorama in homage to my favorite game show, Supermarket Sweep. OK, if mini Leslie isn't available, I'll take a mini David Ruprecht.
Truly though, I'm not sure what the point of Mini Brands Mystery Capsules are, except perhaps to sneak even more brand advertising into our lives. These spheres contain 5 miniaturized grocery store items, such as Lunchables, Kool Aid, Jell-O, Heinz Ketchup, and BabyBel Cheese.
The Buttress Pillow Mini Butt Keychain
Wait, I thought the trend was for butts to get bigger, not smaller, but here The Buttress Pillow goes shrinking their pinchable, squeezable ass down into the Mini Butt Keychain. Maybe it's a fair trade-off though: less to grab and caress, but the solace of having a butt to fidget with when you need comfort and stress relief, no matter the time or place.
Bathtub Cocktail Glass with Working Sprayer
I stared at this bathtub cocktail glass - with working, battery-operated sprayer! - for a good 7 minutes before giving up. What the coladas and cabernets is this thing?
I mean, I get enjoying a cocktail or a glass of wine in the bathtub. Or possibly even filling the entirety of your full-size bathtub with liquor or beer. Provided you've cleaned it first, that sounds somewhat enjoyable too. But drinking from an awkwardly-shaped mini bathtub with a giant surface area and a handheld sprayer that works, but doesn't extend beyond its 1.5" fixed length? Seems like a good way to look like an idiot, and sacrifice 95% of your drink to your chin, neck, chest, and lap.
Maybe it makes more sense when you're drunk?
Bang!: Masturbation for All Genders & Abilities
You were searching for a book on masturbation for people of all genders and abilities? Bang! Here it is. Hey, it's even titled Bang!: Masturbation for People of All Genders and Abilities.
Honestly, I have no idea what kinds of advice and nuggets of wisdom you're going to find between the pages of Bang! Hopefully the kind that makes those pages stick together as soon as you're done with them.
Full Face Mirror Sunglasses
Full Face Mirror Sunglasses are convex configurations of UV-resistant PC panels and UV400 lenses made to protect not just your eyes, but also your nose and mouth, from the blinding and burning rays of the sun. And maybe part of your forehead and chin too, depending on how big your DNA decided to dole those body parts out.
Full Face Mirror Sunglasses are probably not a good substitute for a COVID face mask, but they could be used in tandem with one if you like seeing how many things you can pile on your head at once. Don't forget the over-ear headphones and baseball hat!
Although a bit strange, Krystyna Dulinska's nose warmers are also a bit adorable. Especially the ones she crochets into animals, such as tigers and koalas and, my favorite, the sheep. Two wood stick thumbs up for the snowman-style carrot nose warmer too.
But back to the "a bit strange part." Nose warmers also come in simple, colorful half-dome styles. And those nose warmers look like, uh, simple, colorful ball gags for your nose.
Half Frame Rhinestone Glasses
Or should I call them Half Frame Rhinestone Non-Glasses? The "W" shape of that lady's...uh...eyewear must stand for "What the four-eyes are these things?!" They don't improve your vision, they don't help you see in the sun, and I know they are most definitely not optometrist-approved for anything. So that leaves...fashion statement?