Presenting the Alphabet: 12 Gifts that Start with X

When you're camping and need to take a whiz in the middle of the night, why use some weak ass lantern or stick flashlight to shine a hazy path in front of you when you can use an X9R Marauder 25,000 lumen flashlight to blast the entire forest with the illuminating power of a thousand suns?!

OK, maybe not quite that intense, but 25,000 lumens is a crazy number of lumens for OLIGHT to stuff in this otherwise benign-looking handheld torch. I think if you did use it to light the way to a whiz spot it would be like how 2017's total solar eclipse tricked all the animals into thinking it was suddenly nighttime, but the other way around.

Hey, who put a quarter in my gaming chair? X Rocker's Pro H3 Vibrating Gaming Chair probably caters to gamers too young to get that joke...or adults who aren't really in the market for getting laid anyway...but when can I ever resist the low-hanging fruit of a joke involving sexual innuendo? Especially when the X Rocker etches a big "X" on the headrest of its H3 - X-rated, and X marks the spot of innumerable jokes about vibrating chairs and gamers.

You think haptic feedback adds something to Call of Duty? Try sitting in the X Rocker Pro H3 while playing Virtual Mate.

In introducing their Black Hawk series of vehicle rooftop emergency and warning strobe light bar Xprite asks, "Ready to take your specialty vehicle to the next level?" And if by "specialty vehicle" they mean "2006 Mazda 3 Hatchback," then my answer is an enthusiastic, "Yes!"

The strobe light bar consists of 22 modules with 4 x 3W TIR LEDs per head. It can flash 15 different strobe patterns, and has white front center and side lights that function separately from the yellow lights surrounding them, and can serve as either spot or strobe lights.

This Xbox Mini Controller Hoodie comes in 2 colors, but only one size. WTF, Microsoft?! You say you're all about diversity & inclusion, but then you go out and make an article of clothing for your gaming console that accommodates only the perfect, skinny, model controllers. What about my Xbox controller?

Due to genetics and body positivity (and maybe all the chips and pie and sodie and KFC I feed it) my Xbox controller is thicc. Thicc and beautiful! And proud of it! And it needs a size XXboxL in this snazzy hoodie of yours. But is that available? No. The Xbox Mini Controller Hoodie comes only in "One Size Fits All."

Psssh. Go eat an Xbox, Microsoft. Ya filthy bunch of fat shamers.

I use an ergonomic keyboard to work, but its QWERTY configuration looks nothing like the X-Bows'. Nothing like a message from the aliens backlit by an RGB carnival. And these aliens want to help us. Help us...type faster and longer. Be more productive at work. These aliens are assholes.

But. We're stuck at work typing for hours and being, or feigning being productive anyway, so may as well let an X-Bows keyboard speed up the process, and ease the strain and discomfort that builds in our wrists, backs, and shoulders along the way.

Home maintenance. It's an upward climb. Got a good ladder for the ascent? Reviewers love Xtend & Climb's residential Telescoping Ladder. Depending on the model you choose. the aluminum climber extends incrementally by the foot to a max height of 8.5" to 15.5', granting access to any interior, and many exterior spaces. Unless you live in some pimped-out pad with 20' ceilings, in which case whoever's climbing on a ladder in your house is probably the hired help who brought over their own ladder anyway.

People typically use flamethrowers to clear brush and weeds. And just like that, for the first time in my life I cannot think of anything I'd rather do today than go clear me some brush and weeds. In addition to disintegrating encroaching dead flora to ash, the backpack o' fire that is Quinn Whitehead and his company ThrowFlame.com's X15 Flamethrower will also serve as a sick movie prop and, more importantly, the contest-winning final touch to your dragon costume next Halloween.

Uh oh. As if kegs of beer and boxes of wine aren't dangerous enough in my hands. I don't want children, but I have a feeling if I spent an hour in a room with X-Mode and its 100 ounces of energy shots on tap I'd walk out with babies. So many babies! FOUR HUNDRED BABIES!!!

The X-Mode energy shot system includes a boxed dispenser and two refillable Mode-2-Go bottles. The bottles are marked with 1-ounce and 2-ounce lines for responsible raw energy consumption and to remind you that under no circumstances, none, not even if you used to work at the soft-serve ice cream store, are you to drink X-Mode straight from the tap. Why? Mainly because a single shot takes effect 100 times faster than coffee, and since it's so quick and easy to use, it's even quicker and easier to overuse.

Sweet, a caddy you don't have to tip or worry about getting caught violating child labor laws while carrying your clubs for 9 hours straight in 95-degree weather. British company Stewart Golf has released the X10 Follow, their latest mechanized golf club caddy to incorporate Bluetooth technology and a sophisticated remote control communication system that enables golfers to tote their clubs and other gear hands- and manual-exertion-free.

The skulls on these X-ray playing cards show a transparent face to you, an opaque face to your opponents, and a sinister face to all. You'll be able to turn your friend Cornelius' mug into a sick-grinning, blood-red-brained King of Clubs through the X-Ray card's single-sided clear plastic, but he won't see your suits and values until you call and your hand wipes the floor with him.

Or, as is more often the case, the other way around.