Presenting the Alphabet: 18 Gifts that Start with J

Oh holy arachnid! I'm not going to need a set of Samurai sword kitchen knives to exact retribution on that SOB onion, I'm going to need them to save myself from the Juicy Salif citrus-squeezing alien! And by "citrus-squeezing" we all know I mean brain-squeezing. Just crack open a skull and this 3-legged monster will do the rest.

According to high-ranking officers of the Galactic Republic, through wars and rebellion, only a single copy of The Jedi Path: A Manual for Students of the Force has survived. They add, "It is now passed on to you." Holy Skywalker, me?! As this chick at the gym I have a massive crush on until she starts talking would say: O...M...G.! Seriously?!

No, not seriously. In fact, I think the "single surviving copy" of this manual can actually be had by anyone with cash money or a major credit card. You, me, my brother Darryl, my other brother Darryl.... Not to marginalize its wondrousness. That sweet vaulted exterior you see? It opens mechanically, and to much Star Wars fanfare. Press a button and the doors draw apart. The motion unleashes a symphony of Jedi sound effects through surging blue LED backlighting. Then, slowly, an inner platform rises to reveal - booyakasha! - an exclusive, faux-leather-bound edition of The Jedi Path.

I don't really want a JAG Grill for myself. I mean, it's a lot of money and seems like a lot of work to put together and maintain, and then you have to, like, clean it.... But I am very much in favor of someone I know really well, someone who would invite me into their backyard nightly to partake in the 8-person DIY BBQ bacchanals the JAG grill encourages, I am very much in favor of someone like that buying one.

Cornelius! Wait. My friend Cornelius doesn't have any money. ... Mama!

Rock out with your...keys and fobs secured safely in a Jack Rack so you don't lose or impale yourself with them. A bangin' nod to the guitar amp, Jack Racks are mountable keychain holders with real 1/4" musical input jack keychains that plug into the ports for storage.

What is this, a smartphone for my smartphone? No? You mean I'm supposed to hold this Jelly, this...this...thing that's no bigger than a pack of peanut butter crackers, in my own giant manhands, and use it to talk and text? You can probably guess what I'm about to say.

I don't think I'm ready for this Jelly. Are you?

Maybe it's cheaper to buy all of the SOS, medical, and survival items included in a JUDY dry backpack separately, and then buy a dry backpack and assemble them into a Go Bag yourself but...I have too many gaming and Reddit scrolling hours to log. I don't have that kind of time to prepare for emergencies. Plus, JUDY organizes, labels, and fits the 53 pieces in this 4-person pack way better than I ever could.

Nothing beats the smell of fresh coffee brewing in the morning. Except, perhaps, recycled coffee grounds burning in the evening. Java Logs are eco-friendly fire logs made from recycled coffee grounds. The logs' green composition allows them to burn with fewer carbon monoxide and creosote emissions than wood, plus, according to maker Pine Mountain, blaze hotter and brighter.

Never thought I'd want to plaster a jellyfish to my face before. But fill one of these Jellyfish Cocktail Glasses with a Gin Martini or a Sidecar, and I'll let its tentacles crawl over me all night.

Even the most boring cocktails will deliver a visual sting served in the smoked molecular jellyfish glass. Sold singly or in sets of 2, the drinkware's cascading tentacles hit your bar or tabletop at 5 support points for stability.

Jeri-Rigg your whole life with this multi-functional tie-down / anchor point / attachment point / strap straight outta Chassell, Michigan. The Jeri-Rigg system pairs with securing tools such as bungee cords, tie-down straps, lanyards, ropes, netting, carabiners, webbing straps, chains, or anything else you can stick through its end loop bullseye. The Jeri-Rigg itself then wraps and secures around a similarly long list of structural objects.

To call the JoGo a portable coffee & tea brewing straw is a bit of a misnomer. At least the way I initially read it, which was the way that made me think this 7.8" x 0.5" stainless steel straw had some sort of coffee ground / tea leaf reservoir and a percolation system built into its itty-bitty frame. It does not.

Instead, the JoGo has a built-in filter that enables you to drink coffee or tea you brewed all makeshift-survivalist-style (i.e., by dumping loose grounds or leaves in your cup, adding hot water, and stirring briskly) without sucking up a mouthful of the sandy or woody bits along with the liquid.

They had me at "jelbows." You dudes know me well enough by now to know it doesn't even matter if these gel rests for your wrists and elbows alleviate joint pain and desktop contact soreness for workers, and WFHomers, who sit at their desks all day. I just like the word "jelbows!" It's right up there with "galoshes!" (More on the best words in the English language here.)