Sexy Santa: 20 Naughty Gifts for Your Partner (NSFW)

Knock, knock. Who's there? Tess. Tess who? Tess Tickle! Hangin' right between the legs of the Doorballs door knocker I used to start this joke!

Oh boy, oh boy, it's a tribute to your boys! Made from PVC "as strong as your bathroom plumbing!" Doorballs is a door knocker fit for the man's man, the college kid, and anyone who wants sales people and the Mormons to think twice about knocking on their door.

Really? For real? You love Daddy? Awww. I love that you love Daddy. Wanna come to Daddy?

Wanna come on Daddy? This adult-size onesie romper has breakaway snaps at the bottom just like the baby versions too, right?

Just because MysteryVibe's Tenuto is the sex tech company's first wearable vibrator for men doesn't mean they're not cocky about its skills - they say the Tenuto is the world's most advanced male vibrator. And given the growing market for these types of male sex toys and masturbatory aids, that's a strong statement.

Perhaps a fitting statement too, because according to MysteryVibe, the Tenuto vibrator for men isn't just about reaching an explosive orgasm, it's about staying "stronger for longer" with an "adaptable hold [that] maintains arousal for longer erections & pleasure."

You like bouncy, bouncy? Bowchairs, luxury sex chairs in handsome and discreet designs, have bouncy, bouncy covered from head to toe. With, yes, lots of boobie in between.

For women on top, the Bowchair is specifically designed to reduce stress on the knees and hips, facilitate a range of precision pelvic angles, and minimize the contractions required of pelvic floor muscles, a feature intended particularly for women who have had children, and may find their muscles in that region aren't so cooperative anymore.

The Bowchair also enables women, and men, to experiment with over 20 different sexual positions from the Kama Sutra, The Perfumed Garden of Sensual Delight, and The Ananga Ranga.

The beauty of these Penis Surprise Aprons - I mean aside from their lovely fabric choices, and anatomically correct fleece interpretations of giant dicks - is that they're perfect gifts for everyone!

In case you're puzzling over this latest place to stash your valuables, the Autoblow Decoy Safe is a safe disguised to look like a male masturbator. One that really exists too! The Autoblow AI is a literal blowjob machine that provides 10 unique "blowjob experiences," modeled after real-life techniques, and administered by artificial intelligence. The decoy safe version looks just like its automatic chicken choker counterpart, but where the latter has an interchangeable silicone sleeve and heavy-duty, ultra-powerful metal motor, the Autoblow Decoy Safe has a roomy empty space for storing cash, jewelry, passports, and weed. And, I have to agree with Autoblow when they say, "The last place a burglar will ever look is inside of your lube covered Autoblow AI."

Geeks have the best sex. Or if they didn't before, LELO's F1s Developer's Kit, a male masturbator with an SDK-available sextech console, is here to make sure they do now. Even if it's all by themselves.

Those who want to give the F1s Developer's Kit a rub will also receive an exclusive LELO app for iOS and Android, and can download the SDK for both platforms from the LELO website. Programmers can then dabble, and diddle, around with the F1s dual motors, Cruise Control, and LELO SenSonic technology in a quest to become the true masters of their domain.

Finally! A wearable dental dam! Lorals Latex Panties, despite being able to stop right there - latex panties? I'm in! - aren't just sexy underwear to look at, they're functional underwear to don during sexy time. Lorals deems their brand of ultra-thin disposable latex panties, "A new way to say yes to oral," because they enable ladies to enjoy them some oral sex without fully exposing their pleasure parts.

Be careful, the 3D Printed Vaginasaur definitely eats meat. Etsy shop 10th Dimension 3D calls this prehistoric poon print the "Dino Pussy" and the "Cuntasaurus," but I feel like "Vaginasaur" rolls off the tongue best.

Though really, any of them roll off the tongue pretty well.

Maybe she calls herself a queen. Maybe she calls herself a princess. She's definitely some level of royalty. So I think it's time to bow down and crown her. No, lower. Nooooo...not that low. This crown is for her nipple. And this other crown is for her other nipple.