The 17 Best Gifts to Warm You Up & Keep You Warm

Slippers. The most no-fail gift ever. Especially when you can stick them in the microwave to make them magnificently warm and cozy. And especially when they're extra plush and soft to the touch. And especially, especially when they come in colors Koala Bear and Chewbacca.

A Zippo in the hand is worth two in the bush (particularly because the latter is a fire hazard, kids). It's true if you need a light, and especially true if your fingers are so frozen they can't even flick one. Zippo's Hand Warmers bring the same Zippo durability, portability, and burn strength of the company's lighters to the arena of flameless radiation. A catalytic burner powered by Zippo (or other comparable) lighter fluid provides safe wrist-down heating during cold weather outdoor pursuits, cold weather outdoor sporting events, and cold weather trips to the homes of people who refuse to set their thermostat above 64.

Polar Seal's Heated Zip Tops are favorites of Olympic skiers and Arctic explorers. People who chill...to the bone...in alpine conditions. People who understand that, baby, it's beyond cold outside, and head out anyway.

Polar Seal Heated Zip Tops contain built-in heating elements designed to warm their wearers into a state of cozy comfort (or at least negative temp bearability) in just 10 seconds. A pair of buttons on the Polar Seal sleeve control heating zones in the lower and upper back of the shirts, either separately or together, as well as set heat output to Low, Medium, or High - 104, 113, and 112 degrees F.

Not only does ALFI's Fire Hot Tub look like a slice of a cartoon spaceship, but its "engine" is a wood-burning fire pit. No electricity, generators, plugs, or drain connections required.

Fill the Fire Hot Tub with water from your garden hose, fill its wire basket with firewood, and strike a match. The metal coils surrounding the wire basket conduct the heat from the flames, pushing it laterally into the tub. According to ALFI, thus process can heat the 220-gallon tub to 100 degrees in about 2 hours. While you're waiting, enjoy a few glasses of bubbles from its built-in bar shelf, or roast some marshmallows over its fire.

Dudes, are you ready to warm your woo? Or should I say, warm your boo's woo? The Woo Warmer is an electric floor heat mat that slides under any area rug or carpet to transfer up to 115 degrees of toastiness to the toes and tushies on top.

Available in 3 sizes, the Woo Warmer slides (mostly) unseen under your preferred floor covering, and then plugs into a standard wall outlet to distribute radiant heat over the mat's surface, and then upward toward the people (and pets - it's safe for them too) above.

Wait, so there's an alternative to just blowing in it first? This cutting-edge piece of technology from Fleshlight may look like a sex toy for your girlfriend, but it's actually a pleasure enhancement tool for you. The rod heats up and inserts into your Fleshlight's inner sleeve to warm it to "the perfect realistic temperature to mimic the female body." Yes, that's right. We're talking vagina levels of toastiness here.

It's fitting that the iSiLER Portable Ceramic Space Heater is bright yellow because that color communicates sun and warmth. And also mustard. And if you were around this time last year, French's Yellow Mustard Ice Cream. Blech. I guess ruining the epitome of summer is one way to make the fact that it's over suck less.

Do you have to be a girl to want one of these super-cozy-looking Japanese Kotatsu? Do you have to be a girl to use the term "super-cozy-looking?" Oh well then. Call me a big ol' girl and send me a big ol' heated blanket table so I can slide my big ol' lazy ass under it and "work from home" the rest of the winter.

Heat Holders are hands down...feet down...the warmest socks I've ever worn. Sometimes they're even too warm and I break out in the feet sweats. I wish they had a photo of what the inside looks like because from the outside they don't look that different from any other pair of acrylic crew socks. But picture this: an interior lining of long, thick pile Chewbacca fur.

Now this is the wearable of the season. I'd take a wearable blanket - hoodie style! - over pretty much any other wearable tech nonsense they've got going on right now.

Wearable fitness tracker? Pssh. Why try to burn calories and count them out when I can just yumyumeat'emup!, and then cover them up beneath a fluffy fleece cloud of coziness in front of the TV?