Your Face on an Animal Cookie
/your-face-on-an-animal-cookie-18210.jpg "Your Face on an Animal Cookie")
You've had your face on a stamp. On a superhero action figure. Even on a super creepy mask worn by someone who is not you. But I think the best place of all for your face...uh, next to your head...is on an animal cookie. Not only is this medium edible, delicious, and addicting, but the philosophical discussions crunching on these custom cookies while high could generate about stuffing your face...with your face would probably result in life-changing enlightenment.
Parker's Crazy Cookies handles the transformation of flour, sugar, and non-hydrogenated palm oil into a low-sugar, low-fat, palm-sized version of you. Cookies are "printable" as people, pets, or logos/objects and typically sold in quantity, ranging in price from $0.85 to $5.99 apiece. To give you a sense of what a batch of Crazy Cookies will run you, a single face on a minimum bulk (not gift-bagged) purchase of 150 cookies was $127.50 at printing. Add that to a $25 design charge per unique face/object, and you have just over $150 in heads ready to be bitten off.
Parker's recommends Crazy Cookies for special events ranging from weddings and graduations to retirements and births. My favorite application is the photo of the elderly couple passing out "Eat Me" version of themselves for their 50th anniversary.
True Mirror - How Others See You
The True Mirror idea is simple (and old; it was first patented in 1887): place two mirrors at right angles and have a look-see. Its effect, though, elicits the complexities of realization spanning everything from Whoa!...
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F-Cup Cookies
F-Cup Cookies sound like they would be a joke, and they probably are, but for all women with concave chesticular regions and, more importantly, for all the men who have to fondle them, I sure as 2 seconds of motorboating...
Your Face Mask
Your face. Your buddy's face. Your mom's face. Angelina Jolie's face. ThatsMyFace.com can make any of them for your creeptastic wearing pleasure. They can also make them for your creeptastic wall-mounting or refrigerator-magneting...
X-Rated Fortune Cookies
Every time you masturbate, God chokes a kitten. I don't know if that bit of wisdom can be found in this Chinese to-go container of of X-Rated Fortune Cookies, but it should be a staple. Get your hands out of your pants...
Other People's Face Masks
Get all 4 of Faux Real's Face (of Someone Else) Masks to swap out throughout the night at this year's Halloween party and kill it as Arya Stark or Jaqen H'gar, or maybe just a generic Faceless Man...
Japanese Tongue Exerciser
The most endearing part about the Kuwaete Sukkiri Tongue Exerciser marketing campaign is that it claims the silicone (and grapefruit scented!) apparatus is intended to "help improve your face line and those flabby, sagging...
Naughty Cookie Cutters
These are disgusting. A perversion of gingerbread men, and a perversion of the spirit of Christmas!...
/your-face-custom-face-masks-43878.jpg?mode=crop "Your Face Custom Face Masks")
Your Face Custom Face Masks
Your own face on a face mask. The option has been available, and shown a few different faces of itself, for years now - remember the creepy Realface clone? - but this one from Obscure A Tees is made in the face of Covid-19...
Dapper Celebrity Soldier Prints
Obviously the only one of these celebrities who really sat for his French Republican Guard...or whatever...portrait in the 19th century is Chuck Norris because he's immortal and easily over 200 years old. The rest are...
/from-delightful-to-disturbing-50063.jpg?mode=crop "From Delightful to Disturbing: 15 Personalized Gifts")
From Delightful to Disturbing: 15 Personalized Gifts
WARNING: A couple of the personalized gifts in my 15-strong collection of personalized gifts aren't just disturbing, they're a little NSFW. And the last one is both very disturbing and very NSFW. Because when I say "personalized...
/pop-it-pal-pimple-popping-31252.jpg?mode=crop "Pop It Pal Pimple Popping Simulator")
Pop It Pal Pimple Popping Simulator
Long to be poppin' zits like a G6? Look no further than the Pop It Pal Pimple Popping Simulator. Even with the teen acne days behind you, and most of those juicy back zits juuust out of reach, this fleshy, pus-filled...
/25inch-inflatable-you-30237.jpg "25inch Inflatable You")
25inch Inflatable You
25inch is blow-up doll meets...your face. Is it cool or weird to own a 2-foot-tall inflatable replica of yourself? If you think cool, 25inch.me invites you to grab your favorite headshot and upload it for transformation...