Bacon Condoms
/bacon-condoms-7306.jpg "Bacon Condoms")
- Glow-in-the-Dark Condoms - $7.00
- World's Best Condom Sampler Tin - $39.99
- Cool Willy Kit - $7.95
- Schweddy Wipes - $19.95
- Chocolate Flavored Condoms - $6.37
Bill Gates, you put out an open call. You asked for the "next generation" in condoms. A design that will revolutionize safe sex practices by making the peen sheaths more desirable to wear. Men and birth control in third world countries are particularly considerations. You will award the ideas deemed most applicable and practical $100,000 in grant money for research and production.
Bacon condoms, Bill. Problem solved.
What man worldwide wouldn't want to wrap his prized meat in his favorite meat? And, suffice it to say, in countries where food is sparse or chowing on pigs is forbidden, no woman is going to turn down the opportunity to cozy up to a hunk of pork candy either. Add scent and flavor to the visual feast with J&D's Bacon Lube and The Gates Foundation will not only have a condom "that significantly preserves or enhances pleasure, in order to improve uptake and regular use," it will find itself with a different kind of population problem: human extinction. No one's ever going to want to have the sex without the bacon. 10 years, I'd say. The amount of time we have before persuading humans to procreate is going to be more difficult than getting panda bears to hump.
Galactic Cap Just-the-Tip Condom
"The Galactic Cap is a condom men will want to wear and their partners will love. A better alternative, it will increase condom use and promote healthier sex." Want to wear? Partners will love? Well. Considering this...
Bimek SLV - The Sperm Switch (NSFW)
Condoms or Dr. Snip. It's slim pickin's for dudes in the contraception department. And condoms are kinda lame due to the whole desensitization thing. And a vasectomy is kinda lame due to the whole sterilization thing...
Poundtown Condom
In case there was any confusion, Poundtown Condom vendor Say It with a Condom specifies this particular latex shroud is for "anyone who's a Poundtown regular, or is coming for the first time." Haha, get it? There are...
i.Con Smart Condom Penis Tracker
British Condoms' i.Con isn't the first sexual fitness tracker to make the rounds in the UK--back in 2014 Bondara teased, but then never released the SexFit. At printing, i.Con was doing the same. Teasing your eager overachiever...
/Bacon-Flavored-Lube-1413.jpg?mode=crop "Bacon Flavored Lube")
Bacon Flavored Lube
When we, collectively as Americans, stumble onto something that catches on with the unintelligent majority, we immediately begin the process of running it into the ground. See: The Kardashians, Myspace and... bacon flavored...
/tactical-bacon-6897.jpg?mode=crop "Tactical Bacon")
Tactical Bacon
I don't really like to shoot to kill--less due to the ethics of felling a majestic beast than the fact that blood and rigor mortis make me squeamish--but I think if given the choice between taking down a deer or taking...
/shibari-lube-launcher-21917.jpg "Shibari Lube Launcher")
Shibari Lube Launcher
The Shinbari Lube Launcher. XL. In blue. That's seven-and-a-half inches of long and strong silicone jelly (or even, according to one reviewer, organic coconut oil) reservoir ready to facilitate pleasure and alleviate...
/sockdoms-scented-condom-socks-60905.jpg?mode=crop "Sockdoms Scented Condom Socks")
Sockdoms Scented Condom Socks
No, Sockdoms Scented Condom Socks were not designed for hygienically diddling someone with your foot like Lorals Latex Panties were designed for oral sex. Though I suppose you could wear a pair of Sockdoms if foot-diddling...
/18-champion-gifts-for-people-52735.jpg?mode=crop "18 Champion Gifts for People Who Love Breakfast")
18 Champion Gifts for People Who Love Breakfast
If you know someone who champions breakfast (i.e., the most important meal of the day.) If you know someone who's a champion breakfast eater (i.e., won the Baconfest World Bacon Eating Championship.) If you know someone...
/bacon-express-crispy-bacon-25681.jpg "Bacon Express Crispy Bacon Grill")
Bacon Express Crispy Bacon Grill
Whole wheat in the toaster, bacon in the...other toaster, a yank of the iceberg, a slice of the tomato, and mmmm. BLTeee-licious. Without turning on the stove or getting popped in the eye with a grease BB...
I Will Not Be Your Father Condom
Nice. A condom to carry my message to all the unborn children in the world. Attention would-be zygotes! I WILL NOT BE YOUR FATHER!...
Bacons of the World Sampler
I would call Belcampo's Bacons of the World quarterly sampler pork crack, but in this case, I think it would allude to an entirely different--yet still likely very tasty--part of the pig, rather than the addictive, euphoria-inducing...