Boregasm Pills

Good thing yawns and O faces look about the same because, thanks to research being conducted by a handful of (presumably exhausted and horny) PhD students at Indiana University's The Kinsey Institute, they're about to mean the same thing too. Early stages of testing an as-yet-unnamed...supplement? Drug? Mother's little helper?...have shown that the sexual health center's concoction of hormones and neurotransmitters triggers orgasms approximately 10 to 15 minutes after subjects ingest the mixture and, oh yeah, yawn.

Kinsey Institute mad scientists, I don't know what kinds of problems you're encountering that might be inhibiting this miracle solution's public debut, but if a proper moniker is the lone holdup, I'm sure an open call for titling would return some outstanding results. Obviously my suggestion is the Boregasm Pill. I think Boregasm is a good name both because people tend to yawn when they're tired or bored, and because if yawning could make them have an orgasm they would probably be way less tired and bored. (Oh, I'll get to the post-coital fatigue factor in a minute.) Think of all those quarterly meetings and school lectures and dates with girls you have pretended to find interesting only to have them be like, cheek peck, "Thanks for the $150 dinner. Peace out." Insufferable. Now imagine yourself in those same situations, but with a play-out as follows:

There you are. Some dude/chick is droning on. You're trying hard, really hard, to pay attention. But you're dying of boredom. Your eyes droop. You bow your head. Try to stifle the inevitable jaw drop a little longer. But you can't...hold it...in. You...

Yaaawwwnnn.

Whoa. What's that? Is that? Is that a...

Holy Kleenex, Batman! I think I just blew a load!

And suddenly, you're back. Back to Excel spreadsheets detailing quarterly performance. Back to differentiating equations. Back to emitting sounds of sympathy and disgust at the appropriate times as you get the play-by-play of how Nikki wasn't invited to Jenny's party but she found out Kelly was so she tried to private Facebook message Kelly to ask what the WTF but she accidentally posted it on Kelly's timeline and all of Kelly's 876 friends saw the message, including Jenny, and now Jenny is pissed at Nikki and Kelly because she thinks they're, like, trying to cause drama and ruin her party so now she's uninvited Kelly and so Nikki and Kelly are, like, joining forces and trying to get people to blackball the party and--is that the right, word, blackball?--and also unfriend Jenny on Facebook and if they're successful it would basically mean the downfall of Kelly. Like, from the Earth of her social life.

DISCLAIMER: Boregasm pills deliver only one orgasm per dose, and have a recommended dosage of one pill per 12 hours, so you may still need to exercise some caution when choosing which conferences to attend and girls to go out with.

The miraculous science behind the Boregasm pill involves the tweaking and rearranging of an orgasm's biochemistry. For example:

• Users experience internal rather than external stimulation of the penile muscles, induced by the sharp inhalations of air yawns elicit, plus voodoo drugs.
• Users enjoy expedited climax achievement. Almost immediately following the triggering yawn, the pill hits Muhammed Ali style--hard and fast--thanks to the powers of...voodoo drugs.
• Users benefit from, uh, "Hold the sauce" blockers that enable the explosive discharge of neuromuscular tension, but prevent the release of accompanying male ejaculate. So no Kleenex, diapers necessary. This is made possible by the rapid acceleration of the orgasm process. And also voodoo drugs.
• Users absorb hormonal balancers that inhibit the distribution of prolactin, oxytocin, and vasopressin, three chemicals whose appearance following an orgasm is linked to males' inclination to pass out after sex rather than stay up for hours discussing hopes and dreams and favorite baby names and whether or not it's time for a new tablecloth. "Hormonal balancers" is, of course, another way to say "voodoo drugs."

As a bonus, Boregasm pills incorporate 100 mg of caffeine to enhance blood flow during the Big O and alertness pursuant to it.

The Boregasm outcome? Renewed vigor, renewed interest in the mind-numbingly monotonous parts of your day, renewed commitment to swimming strong through the murky waters of life, and, most notably perhaps, a renewed appreciation for the yawn.

Note: I think the pills work for ladies too but I didn't read on to find out how because, like all men, I'm not too concerned about whether or not women have orgasms.