Grizzly Bear Underwear
/grizzly-bear-underwear-10404.jpg "Grizzly Bear Underwear")
- Snuggle Snake Boxerbriefs - $18.00
- Grizzly Bear Women's Underwear - $28.97
- Bear in Underwear - $2.50
- Lazer Bears Boxerbrief - $18.00
- Jean Shorts Boxer Briefs - $18.00
I know grizzly bears are meant to connote fortitude, ferocity, and...bigness...in a reverential way, but, uh, I'm pretty sure these grizzly bear underwear are intended only for dudes who don't want blowjobs. They could also serve extreme feminists desiring to wear depictions of what all men see when looking at their crotches.
Snarling grizzly underwear have emblazoned shots of Kings of the Forest on both their front and back sides. Each has been trained to warm, cradle, and protect, as well as inject assigned manhoods with some of their ursine fire. But hopefully not their ursine aroma. Bears reek worse than 100 people on a windowless bus home from Burning Man. That dizzying smell, ma'am? Oh, it's just my bear pubes.
According to the Edison-caliber inventors of these underwear, the 100% polyester boxer briefs have been hand-crafted by virile Polish seamstresses. They have no flap. Because the last thing anyone ever wants to be unable to un-see is a wiener poking out of the mouth of a grizzly bear.
Fundies: Underwear Built for Two
According to every woman's favorite book, The Five Love Languages, physical touch is the predominant type of love males enjoy receiving, while quality time earns high marks with the ladies. Fundies, a chic pair of tandem...
Cute Ass Animals Underwear
Etsy vendor Nichola's Knickerockers, underwear with adorable animal faces strategically sewn across one of my favorite places on earth, are pricey. But to all ladies who often get mistaken for Victoria's Secret models...
Shreddies Fart-Filtering Underwear
Leave it to the Brits to class up farts and poots. And also to create a solution that spares those who didn't just drop a silent stink bomb from inhaling the fumes released by the one who did. Shreddies is a line of men's...
/freshly-baked-muscular-bear-61642.jpg?mode=crop "Freshly Baked Muscular Bear Bread")
Freshly Baked Muscular Bear Bread
I don't know which sounds worse: eating a bear; or eating a bear that's so jacked with muscles its flesh cooks all tough and rubbery. What's that? Try it raw? ... Uh, no. Cat sushi, maybe, but I draw the line at bear...
/eletrunks-lifter-underwear-25033.jpg "Eletrunks \"Lifter\" Underwear")
Eletrunks "Lifter" Underwear
Though the above video is slightly NSFW, Eletrunks are not a dirty or obscene pair of underwear. At all. The company's demo of their functional, comfort-enhancing, package-adjusting Lifter cord just makes it look like...
Latex Bat Underwear
Warning: Abigail Greydanus' latex bat underwear are slightly NSFW. Probably both in terms of viewing enlarged photos of them, and physically wearing them at the office, as my experience with latex is that it is the textile...
Nerds with Vaginas Underwear
Did you get drunk and pee your pants last night? Did you throw your panties on stage during the New Year's Eve Super Diamond Neil Diamond cover band show? Did you sneak out of the bed you woke up in at 5:00 a.m. and leave...
Manties Men's Lace Boxers
Last month this a-hole at my office left a box of Edible Anus chocolates on my desk with a note that said, "I saw these and thought of your face." Now everyone at work calls me Buttmuncher. Like we're 12! So for next...
MyPakage Keyhole Comfort Underwear
While a keyhole connotes something very small into which one inserts something else very small...and then, uh, forcefully twists it 360 degrees clockwise or counterclockwise...I assure you that MyPakage underwear's KeyHole...
/inflatable-beach-ball-54221.jpg?mode=crop "Inflatable Beach Ball Underwear")
Inflatable Beach Ball Underwear
All you need to stay afloat this summer is a pair of Inflatable Beach Ball Underwear! A swimsuit and life raft in one!...
/the-ball-lifter-nsfw-19337.jpg?mode=crop "The Ball Lifter (NSFW)")
The Ball Lifter (NSFW)
I know what you're thinking: is that a push-up bra...for my balls? The answer is yes. The Ball Lifter was designed to lift and embellish your package without pumps, pills, or other male member enhancement quackery. It's...
/bulletproof-mens-underwear-38126.jpg?mode=crop "Bulletproof Men's Underwear")
Bulletproof Men's Underwear
So what exactly does the Like New qualifier on these bulletproof men's underwear mean? The exact words in Sportsman's Guide's listing are British Military Surplus Blast Shorts With Kevlar, Like New. Are they saying, "Yeah...