Baby Mop Onesie
/baby-mop-onesie-12302.jpg "Baby Mop Onesie")
Finally! A use for babies! Come on little Timmy, you need to work up an appetite and I need to see my reflection in those hardwoods. That's right, time to earn your breast milk, son. And try not to get too sweaty or haggard in the eyes as you mop. I still want you to look cute when feeding time comes so your mama will be all wrapped up in your preciousness and maybe not notice that her nipple has slipped out for my discreet viewing pleasure.
Made from 100% cotton and powered by 100% elbow grease, this onesie-dust-mop combo will cozily outfit and prepare your mini me for the manual labor he can expect to encounter all throughout life. Unless of course you're rich and don't plan ever to make your kid do an honest day's work, in which case the romper can just serve as an adorable and ironic source of fodder during your next Roaring 20s dinner party.
The baby mop onesie is lined with ultra-absorbent mop microfibers and is available in 3 sizes: 3 to 6 months; 6 to 9 months; and 9 to 12 months. Vendor Firebox.com notes that they in no way encourage or support child labor, so I guess I'll have to encourage and support it enough for the both of us.
Baby Head Masks
People who think babies are angelic and precious, I see your Gerber models, and raise you these three baby head masks. No, make that these three enormous, bulbous, horrifying, spawn-of-Chucky baby head masks. Landon Meier...
The Baby Muzzle
First we saw the Japanese Shouting Vase, an ABS resin stress-reliever that mutes the wails of angry or frustrated souls who need to unleash their fury without disturbing the peace. Now the brilliant minds of Japan--perhaps...
In Vitro Baby Branding
Ink, sperm and eggs go in, a financially secure future comes out. In vitro fertilization is expensive, and let's face it, so are babies. What better way to offset the costs, and maybe make a little extra (elbow-elbow)...
Infant Circumcision Trainer
Expecting parents who want to trim the fat from ever-rising hospital bills now have the option to save over $2,000 if they are willing to trim the skin from their newborn sons. Created by Ezra Messer, a mohel with more...
Baby Thug Onesie
"I just did 9 months on the inside...and now that I'm out, my mom is making me wear an orange onesie that, for some reason, encourages many who see me to double-bump a fist against their chest and flash me two fingers."...
/mission-critical-baby-carrier-18296.jpg "Mission Critical Baby Carrier for Dads")
Mission Critical Baby Carrier for Dads
Through September 13th, 2105, click here to enter Dude's Mission Critical Baby Carrier & Daypack giveaway. It's your chance to MOLLE up those diapers, bottles & 6-month-olds with a Baby Carrier and Carrier Daypack combo...
Skoda Man-Pram
At the end of the day, you'll still be a dude pushing around a baby...or a pomeranian...in a stroller, but at least with Skoda's Man-Pram you can mow the fuck over anyone who gives you shit about it...
/the-baby-shusher-27529.jpg?mode=crop "The Baby Shusher")
The Baby Shusher
Either the Baby Shusher shhhhhhh-ing machine is a Nobel Prize-caliber invention, or the baby in that video learned in the womb how to be an Oscar-caliber actor. Arrrgh, that sound, that wailing. I can't think of a noise...
/windi-the-gaspasser-gas-22052.jpg "Windi the Gaspasser Gas & Colic Reliever")
Windi the Gaspasser Gas & Colic Reliever
Windi the Gaspasser is one of those WTF products I as a childless dude saw and immediately thought was, in this order: a funny joke; a disgusting not-joke; a sad reality. You basically stick this little (un)plug in your...
The Roddler - Hot Rod Baby Strollers
I'd give myself about 40 minutes of pushing one of these hot rod fendered strollers around before dinging and scratching it up beyond recognition from skimming walls and banging into corners. Pushing a kid cart around...
/3-in-1-amish-high-chair-13307.jpg "3-in-1 Amish High Chair")
3-in-1 Amish High Chair
I guess this is what happens when you don't spend all your time watching TV and playing video games. You come up with simple, fantastic ideas like the Amish with this 3-in-1 high chair. It's just a shame they'll have...
Level 1 Human Baby Creeper Romper
It's never too early to indoctrinate your kids into the world of role-playing. Even casual RPG enthusiasts will get a kick out of J!NX's Level 1 Human Baby Creeper Romper for the 2 to 3 weeks it actually fits their ludicrous-speed-growing...