Abusive Birthday Balloons
- Happy Fucking Birthday Banner - $9.99
- Party & Bullshit Gold Glitter Banner - $6.14
- Don't Fuck Up The Table Bamboo Drink Coasters - $19.99
- Old AF Cupcake Toppers - $11.99
- Let's Party Bitches Gold Banner - $6.98
The manufacturer calls these Abusive Birthday Balloons a "conversation starter." Ha! I'll say. A conversation about what a jerk whoever threw this birthday party is.
Or a conversation about how, yeah, the birthday boy kinda is old as fuck, or the birthday girl is a big ol' bitch. What's a birthday for, if not roasting the guest of honor?
An obvious top Dude gift for a party pick, Abusive Birthday Balloons come in For Her versions (above) as well as For Him packs (here). Their profanity is a solid level 7 out of 10, with several F bombs dropped and age-related insults broadcast, but they don't get too personal or cross the see you next Tuesday line.
Balloons come in packs of 10, with 2 each of 5 different abusive statements and salutations included.
DudeIWantThat.com is reader-supported. When you buy through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. Learn more.
/snow-melting-stair-mat-62406.jpg?mode=crop "Snow-Melting Stair Mat")
Snow-Melting Stair Mat
What?! A snow-melting stair mat? But, but, why? Everyone knows the best part of piled-up Mother Nature dandruff is watching people wipe out trying to navigate through it! I do feel bad for the AARP-aged ones when they...
/magicalbutter-cannabis-cooker-62400.jpg?mode=crop "MagicalButter Cannabis Cooker")
MagicalButter Cannabis Cooker
Easily make medicinal butter, oils, tinctures, lotions, and sauces. Hear that? MagicalButter is so named for its power to convert healing herbs into healing herb culinary creations. So start coughing and breaking into...
/disturbed-friends-the-worst-62430.jpg?mode=crop "Disturbed Friends - The Worst Game Ever Made")
Disturbed Friends - The Worst Game Ever Made
Consumer drones? Wearables? Self-driving cars (and -walking shoes)? Nah. I think politically incorrect card-based games that at some point make every person playing them feel extremely uncomfortable or self-conscious...
/heng-balance-magnetic-switch-62549.jpg?mode=crop "Balancing Magnetic Switch Lamp")
Balancing Magnetic Switch Lamp
Newton's Cradle meets abacus meets the first day of creation in these balance lamps with magnetic switches. Li Zanwen created the desk lamp design with a pair of magnetic wooden balls on strings at the center that attract...
/earwax-candle-kit-56889.jpg?mode=crop "Earwax Candle Kit")
Earwax Candle Kit
Here comes the Earwax Candle Kit just when you thought you couldn't find the perfect gift for your mom. I don't know about yours but I know my mama loves candles, and also hates waste, and based on the number of used...
/night-vision-goggles-62570.jpg?mode=crop "Night Vision Goggles")
Night Vision Goggles
These hands-free night vision goggles mean surveillance, after-dark expeditions, and finding the perfect bush to pee on in the middle of the night aren't just possible, they're on like Donkey Kong!...
/spyfinder-pro-hidden-camera-62610.jpg?mode=crop "Hidden Camera Detector")
Hidden Camera Detector
Hidden cameras watching me in the dressing room? In my vacation rental? In the office? ... Well, I figured they're watching me in the office. Listen, I'm not trying to stir up any paranoia here, but this hidden camera...
/jumbl-puzzle-board-wooden-46537.jpg?mode=crop "Jumbl Puzzle Board Wooden Jigsaw Puzzle Table")
Jumbl Puzzle Board Wooden Jigsaw Puzzle Table
What, you can't finish that 1,500-piece jigsaw puzzle of a color gradient in one sitting? Sigh. Why'd you open it then? Now it's going to be cluttering up the dining room table for the next 3 weeks! Shoulda bought a Jumbl...
/headache-migraine-relief-cap-62512.jpg?mode=crop "Headache & Migraine Relief Cap")
Headache & Migraine Relief Cap
Headache? Migraine? Just want to bury your head in the freezer or a bucket of ice? How about a striking purple hat filled with cooling, soothing, pain-easing frozen gel instead?...
/plufl-the-dog-bed-for-humans-62576.jpg?mode=crop "Dog Bed for Humans")
Dog Bed for Humans
Welp, we've got dog food for humans, so why not dog beds for humans? Thank you Soylent, and now, YAEM...
/screaming-aztec-death-whistle-62534.jpg?mode=crop "Screaming Aztec Death Whistle")
Screaming Aztec Death Whistle
How have I never heard of a Screaming Aztec Death Whistle? In all my efforts to exact revenge on my ex-girlfriend, Karen, in all my attempts to prank my friend Cornelius, in all my ploys to convince my mother-in-law our...
/rechargeable-heated-slippers-62388.jpg?mode=crop "Rechargeable Heated Slippers")
Rechargeable Heated Slippers
Rechargeable Heated Slippers may be a boring, uninspired idea for a holiday gift, but they're not a bad idea. Think of all the people with cold feet out there. And all the people who have moderately warm feet inside...