Minecraft Marshmallow Creeps
/minecraft-marshmallow-creeps-6984.jpg "Minecraft Marshmallow Creeps")
The little bit of good news I have for you today is that we are only 16 days away from spring and 27 days away from Easter*, which means Peep eating season is upon us! Even better tidings for Minecraft die-hards: Marshmallow Creeps. Quad packs of sugar, corn syrup, gelatin, preservatives, green dye, and carnauba wax all spun into the likeness of Minecraft's notorious bearers of hostility and explosives. However, when these Creepers blow up they incite happiness and hyperactivity (particularly when the blowing up occurs in the microwave) instead of hard-assembled block destruction.
The little bit of bad news I have for you is...well, you'll probably figure it out.
*Now I don't know what dictates this sort of thing--something about the New Orleans Mardi Gras celebration, right?--but I like how even though Easter is meant to honor the day the Lord is risen, that day changes every year. Sometimes he is risen end of March, sometimes he is risen middle of April...it's complete arbitrariness. As if someone...such as the Easter Bunny...looks at his calendar and just picks a day he figures he'll be available for basket delivery. Well, Easter Bunny, there's never much going on in August. And the weather is way more dependable for egg hunting by then. How about having Jesus risen in August next year?
/mschfs-big-fruit-loop-58050.jpg?mode=crop "MSCHF's Big Fruit Loop")
MSCHF's Big Fruit Loop
Are you ready for a half-pound, 930-calorie Fruit Loop? No, not half a pound and 930 calories worth of Froot Loops*, a single Fruit Loop weighing 6.7 ounces and packing 930 cals into the happy...but maybe turning sad...
Shiba Inu Dog Marshmallows
If the sight of a Shiba Inu makes you just want to squishitsface, well, how about sparing the dog's dignity and ability to breathe, and taking out your cuteness aggression on a set of Shiba Inu Dog Marshmallows? Come...
Sugar Lab 3D-Printed Candy
Oh boy, edible geometry. But in order to eat one of Sugar Lab's 3D-printed sour or peppermint candies, you must first be able to answer multiple choice questions about what the cube with the sphere at its right side and...
/5-pound-bag-of-gummi-bears-22694.jpg "5-Pound Bag of Gummi Bears")
5-Pound Bag of Gummi Bears
The best part about a 5-pound bag of Gummi Bears is obviously that it contains approximately 985 Gummi Bears. But the second best part is Haribo's description of those 985 Gummi Bears as "Naturally flavored with balanced...
/edible-ghostbusters-stay-puft-42499.jpg?mode=crop "Edible Ghostbusters Stay Puft Marshmallow Man")
Edible Ghostbusters Stay Puft Marshmallow Man
Ohboyohboyohboy, a replica Ghostbusters Stay Puft Marshmallow Man you can eat! I won't say he's giant because, well, we've seen what an actual giant Stay Puft Marshmallow Man looks like in the movie. But at 10.6 ounces...
Loloz - Cavity-Fighting Lollipops
Oh good, now all the Kandi Kids kids can practice responsible oral hygiene when they're high on Molly at the EDM festivals this summer. Your own little ones might love them some brightly-colored, fruity-flavored Loloz...
Liquor-Laden Marshmallows
The marshmallows are termed "Wondermade" because they're purportedly derived from "100% sweet, magic air." Very nice. However, as much as I like things that are sweet and magic, if I am to dole out $7.50 for them, they...
/hostess-cakes-bottled-iced-56249.jpg?mode=crop "Hostess Snack Cakes Bottled Iced Lattes")
Hostess Snack Cakes Bottled Iced Lattes
Hostess Snack Cakes Bottled Iced Lattes bring one stop shopping for coffee and a pastry to a kitchen or office break room near you! The cakes even come pre-dunked! I'm trying to decide whether I'm delighted or disgusted...
/chefn-sweet-spot-saltwater-56822.jpg?mode=crop "Chef'n Sweet Spot Saltwater Taffy Maker")
Chef'n Sweet Spot Saltwater Taffy Maker
The Chef'n Sweet Spot Saltwater Taffy Maker: a dentist's and a dishwasher's worst nightmare. Saltwater taffy is delicious...at least until you eat one too many pieces and realize you're about to unleash some projectile...
/brittle-brothers-bacon-peanut-57738.jpg?mode=crop "Brittle Brothers Bacon Peanut Brittle")
Brittle Brothers Bacon Peanut Brittle
Good news, dudes! Brittle Brothers Bacon Peanut Brittle is cholesterol free! That means you can eat as much as you want of the Nashville-made candy packed with 4 times more nuts and real bacon, and it won't make you fat...
/premium-root-beer-variety-pack-44897.jpg?mode=crop "Premium Root Beer Variety Pack")
Premium Root Beer Variety Pack
They got any Fitz's in there? I'm not even joking when I say I'd be happier to get a Premium Root Beer Variety Pack than a Premium Beer Variety Pack. It's way harder to find a satisfying array of this fine soda at the...
/chocolate-candy-bar-maker-28833.jpg "Chocolate Candy Bar Maker")
Chocolate Candy Bar Maker
Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife, hide yo' husband! No one's getting their hands on the Chocolate Candy Bar Maker but me! Chocolate's loyal, and gluttonous, and selfish little whore slave. No, redact that redaction. Whore!...