$20,000 Hypoallergenic Designer House Cat

The Ashera is possibly the only cat that is acceptable for a single male to own. Because it's about the size of an ocelot, and weighs 30 freakin' pounds. And that's 30 pounds of genetically-gifted muscle, not 30 pounds of owner-gifted Fancy Feast. You will not be carrying this cat on an airplane and shoving it under the seat in front of you. What you will be doing: walking it on a leash; calling it by name...and eating your hat when it responds; playing fetch with it; and praying to God it comes litter box trained, because if a cat the size of your 6-year-old nephew whizzes in your house, the toxins and suffocating ammonia stench from that little accident is going to require you to tear down and start over.

On top of being a freak of nature, the cat is also hypoallergenic, and OK for people typically allergic to cat hair and particulates to own without risk of itchy eyes and asphyxiation. Even better, the Ashera is said to have a dog's temperament (read: it will at least pretend to like you) and an 8-foot vertical jump that makes pro basketball players look like even bigger jokes than they do on their own. And all you need for this no-fail ticket to all the booty you can handle is $20,000. Hey, it's an investment. The cat--and the booty--will last a good 8 to 10 years. And after that, when the UTIs and thyroid problems, and the scary, kind of ragged look all set in, well, if the shotgun was good enough for Old Yeller....

One time my friend Cornelius spent the night at this girl's house and when he woke up in the morning her cat was sitting on his stomach. At first he thought this was a nice gesture, but then the cat vomited heartily on his chest. Understandably, Cornelius was not happy. But the girl showed no remorse for her pet's heinous GI issues! She was just upset that her cat was sick and Cornelius wasn't being more sympathetic! This is why I don't date girls with cats or dogs small enough to crunch under my Air Jordans. Anyway, my point is that if the cat had been an Ashera, Cornelius would probably still be swimming his way out from a sea of partially-digested fish entrails and catnip-coated hairballs. So I guess that's one downside to owning one.