The Whizzinator Touch - Synthetic Urine Kit (NSFW)

Golden shower or passing a drug test, what's your Whizzinator pleasure? I first learned of this bizarre and fantastic strap-on penis and synthetic urine kit from attorney L. Scott Briscoe. Via his Facebook page, Briscoe offers up Free Legal Tips, all based on real dumb (as in real and dumb, and also real dumb) things clients he's represented have said and done. His tip #78: "When choosing a fake penis to fake a drug screen, (aka the whizzinator) select one that actually resembles your penis and not one that appears to be a dildo poking out of your trousers."

Whoa, I thought. Briscoe had a client use a fake penis to fake a drug screen? More importantly, they make fake penises for faking drug screens?! And they're called "Whizzinators?!" You don't gotta be a whizzard to know what the next thing I Googled was.

A second later, I was delighted to find the Whizzinator both exists, and is available for online purchase.

And a few seconds after that, I was doubly delighted to learn the Whizzinator Touch serves the dual purpose of beating drug tests and beating your meat to the tune of a golden shower, plus other urine-enhanced sexual activities. Holy crap! ... I mean holy piss!

Whizzinator whizzes make a Whizzinator Touch for the 5 most common shades of penis out there. In addition to what they call "the most life-like realistic fake penis on the market!" Whizzinator kits come with a Golden Shower Synthetic Urine sample. This medical grade synthetic urine contains ingredients found in natural urine, including uric acid and creatine. It is also balanced for specific gravity and Ph.

And - get ready for your favorite part - Golden Shower Synthetic Urine foams and smells the same as the real thing! Oh, oh, I wonder if it comes in an Ate Asparagus for Dinner scent.

Also included in the Whizzinator Touch kit are a cotton elastic belt with pressure band and refillable vinyl pouch with non-spill refill port to create a steady stream when it's pee time. Creators say this delivery system has an ultra-quiet flow that is easy to use, and operable with only one hand. For some dudes, that might be even better than the real thing!

The Whizzinator Touch's final move to keep it real comes via the kit's set of 4 heat pads, which Whizz wearers can use to heat their fake pee up to body temperature, and keep it at a perfect 98.6 degrees for 8 hours. All single use components of the Whizzinator Touch kit are replaceable as refills, sold individually through the website.

So what'll it be, dudes? Volcano your brains out before the drug test at work on Monday, and Whizzinator your penis through it, or make a new Tinder profile seeking fellow urinenthusiasts looking for some (totally safe and sterile) bedwetting fun?