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Power Bacon Deodorant

Sold Out Amazon »

Everyone knows that pigs don't sweat. But if they did, they would smell like Power Bacon. And now too so can you. Just be sure to apply the deodorant with caution. Because while obviously nothing attracts the favor of...

Star Wars Cuff Links

$125 - $4k Neiman Marcus »

Here are some officially licensed Star Wars cuff links, courtesy of fancy silk underpants department store Neiman Marcus, to present as a gift to your favorite geek this holiday season. Presuming your favorite geek is...

Pug Bag

$38.90 Etsy »

Obviously all women who carry a pug bag are certifiably crazy, but I think it should also be a rule of logic that all certifiably crazy women carry a pug bag. You know, as demarcation. So that we're fairly warned before...

Meindl Retractable Spike Boots

Discontinued

They're like Wolverine claws for the bottom of your feet. These Meindl retractable spike boots stick it to ice and snow with their patented, perfect traction Tec Vision spike system. When wearers flip out the boots' heel...

Star Trek Sulu Pour Homme Cologne

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Hikaru Sulu: master of botany. Of gymnastics. Of ancient weaponry. Of advanced starship manipulation. And now, of perfume. The logical next step. Excelsior! Onward and upward!...

Frosty the Nose Thief Sweater

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Oh I see what Frosty did there. He stole that other snowman's nose. And put it on his crotch. So now he has a carrot schnoz and a carrot ding dong. I bet the other snowman is actually a snowlady. Yeah, now it all makes...

Neon Shaving Gel

What is, a man who ate his daughter's 1st birthday cake without a fork, Alex? No? What is...a makeshift Fraggle mask? No? OK, then how about you just tell me why this man has neon pink goo smeared on his face, Mr. Trebek?...

Voltron Hoodie

$160 80stees.com »

By the power of Greyskull! No, wait, that's not it. It's Morphin time! Uh...getting closer, but...no. Hold on...ah, here we go. These robotic lion fangs were impeding the movement of my cerebral neurons. Activate interlock!...

Soft Goat Scruff & Goatee Softener

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According to Soft Goat, "Scruffy is sexy!" And given that scruffy means unshaven and unshaven means me not having to partake in the laborious task of shaving every morning, it appears I have finally succeeded in my quest...

Star Trek: The Next Generation Hoodies

$59.99 ThinkGeek »

They may be only moderately reminiscent of the uniforms Picard & Co. wore in Star Trek: The Next Generation, but definitely these hoodies will be more comfortable, breathable, and sported acceptably by all shapes and...

Gore-Tex Boots

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I guess Alpinestars' Web Gore-Tex boots are technically meant for use while riding motorcycles, but when I look at them I can't help but think they would also be terrific footwear for walking on the moon. Aren't those...

Shreddies Fart-Filtering Underwear

$38 - $70 Shreddies »

Leave it to the Brits to class up farts and poots. And also to create a solution that spares those who didn't just drop a silent stink bomb from inhaling the fumes released by the one who did. Shreddies is a line of men's...

Ledge Stretchy, Stainproof Pants

Discontinued

While my immediate concern upon spilling an entire cup of coffee on my crotch is searing the hair off my balls and neutralizing my baby-making potential, once I stop screaming and have received a pudding pop to console...

Mogwai Swimsuit

Gizmo on a swimsuit? What fool thought that was a good idea? It's the one article of clothing whose expressed purpose in life is to bask in the sunlight and get wet. Mogwais can't be exposed to bright light. And MOGWAIS...

Muscle-Enhancing Shirt

$48.50 FunkyBod »

Money can squeeze the fat in, and now money can carve the muscle out. Which means there are exactly 0 reasons left for me to exercise. What? Avoiding heart disease and diabetes? Psshhh! Preventable, life-threatening afflictions...

Pug Mask

$35.34 Amazon »

Maker Archie McPhee says, "No one can be angry at you while you're wearing this latex Pug Mask." I don't know whether to scoff at and rebuttal that or just swallow the couple tablespoons of vomit the statement made me...

Sizzle Strapz Leather Bags

$249 - $1,499 Etsy »

Rich Bhata hand smiths all Sizzle Strapz bags in his St. Charles, IL shop from genuine cow hide and American buffalo. I've never felt the desire to lovingly stroke a cow or buffalo before--just devour them in ground and...

Ghostbusters Venkman Jacket

$69.99 - $72.99 Amazon »

It's not quite as cool as toting a real Proton pack, and infinitely less cool than being the real Peter Venkman, but this Ghostbusters printed Venkman jacket is still better than a tan Russell Athletic zip-up from Target...

Catzilla Sweatshirt

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The Catzilla sweatshirt's manufacturer got me all hyped naming their bitchin' piece of runway domination the "Catzilla sweatshirt," but then pulled a Ben Stiller movie and stunk it up on the garment's description: "Sweatshirt...

Inflatable Dinosaur Costume

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Giddyup, T-Rex! While I'm not so sure about the proportions of this inflatable dinosaur costume, what it lacks in mathematical accuracy it definitely makes up for in costume originality. Now riding into your Halloween...

Rolex Submariner with Roulette Dial

$12,900 Brevet »

Is it classy or trashy that Rolex has taken time to the casino? I mean, sure, the thought of Bond-like high rollers sipping whiskey and playing Blackjack connotes a certain level of luxury, but the red, black, and green...

Brazilian Back Male Hair Removal System

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Men, removing unwanted back hair is now as easy as putting on a coat! And if you don't believe me, just ask Wilmer Valderrama, who appears to be as big of a Brazilian Back male hair eradicating system fan as he does to...

Designer Star Wars Watches

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What elevates a Star Wars watch to designer status? Uhhh...price tag? Sophisticated aesthetics? Not coming attached to a rubbery plastic band my dog and I can chew on? And if that's the case, why exactly would I want...

Quick Release Keychain Flashlight

$55 - $75 Prometheus Lights »

Jason Hui has been making swanky custom flashlights for a few years now. Swanky in the senses that: they look cool; they cost a lot; and they burn up to 200% brighter than typical Maglites using fractionally-sized AAA...