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Interlocking LEGO Rings

$80 - $150 Etsy »

In stark contrast to how I feel about bellybuttons, if I got one of Shannon Conrad's interlocking LEGO rings, I would much rather have an outie than an innie...

Travel Smart Mini Iron

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I don't really see the point in ironing clothes unless someone who's not me is doing the ironing, but I guess if you're an advocate of the activity you might like this itty bitty iron for use in wrinkle extermination...

50 Pearl-Laden Oysters

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Simultaneously the most thoughtful and disgusting gift a girl could ever get. Each of these 50 freshwater oysters is guaranteed to have a real, 6mm to 7mm round akoya pearl inside. But here's the catch: uh, the pearls...

Pleasure Products Organizer

$29 - $69 Kickstarter »

This one's for the ladies. I think. It's hard to keep track of who likes what anymore...

Ministry of Silly Walks Watch

Discontinued

Even if you've never seen John Cleese perform the Monty Python skit leading to the creation of this terrific Ministry of Silly Walks watch--since I happen to be younger than my mama, I for one haven't--you can probably...

Diamond Ring Candles

$24.95 Diamond Candles »

Diamond Candles makes candles (duh) with embedded diamonds (du...really?) Each candle is guaranteed to contain a sparkly ring for its burner to discover as the wax diminishes. Granted, they're not all diamonds, and they're...

Tortilla Baby Blanket & Hat

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Mmm, mmm that baby looks good enough to dunk in guacamole and drizzle with Cholula. I'm a little confused about the tortilla swaddling blanket's accompanying hat though. Why does it have a knot in it? Aren't tamales the...

Gaming Glasses for Eye Fatigue

$21.95 - $154.52 Amazon »

It's the graphics for a travel brochure. It's Q4 performance spreadsheets and their accompanying presentation slides. It's a thesis on the association between country music and suicide. Fine. It's really just Call of...

Anti-Sweat Armpit Stickers

Would discovering a girl is wearing anti-sweat armpit stickers in the middle of making out with her be better or worse than discovering she's wearing a heavily padded bra? I can't decide. Both would be incredibly disappointing...

Technomancer Digital Wizard Hoodie

$119.99 ThinkGeek »

Sometimes for April Fool's Day merchants make up fake products and list them as real products that no one can actually buy and it's hilarious. And sometimes for April Fool's Day merchants make up fake products and list...

Jedi Bathrobe

$33.99 Amazon »

I bet this is the only bathrobe on Amazon--no, on the planet!--that has 121 customer reviews! 121 reviews! 159 if you count its second listing here. 159 reviews*! Of a bathrobe. I know it's a Jedi bathrobe and it has...

Killer Rabbit Slippers

$29.99 Amazon »

Beware ye who enter the Cave of Caerbannog without backup in the form of cozy, yet stylish, footwear. Officially licensed by Monty Python - with a snarl-and-sap of approval from the Killer Rabbit himself - these snaggletoothed...

Merry F**king Christmas Wrapping Paper

$12.35 Calligraphuck »

Ah. It seems Mr. Garrison has forayed into the business of paper products. Merry Fucking Christmas. Come on, you know you want to sing along as you read it. Maybe tie a little Mr. Hat plush to the ribbon if you're one...

Designer Star Wars Jewelry

$75 - $13,250 Geek Dot Jewelry »

Paul Bierker is a formally educated designer with a BFA in Jewelry Design and Graphic Design, and a BAMF in handcrafted Star Wars jewelry. Even I might wear a ladies' sapphire and diamond ring if it also looked like the...

Second Skin Santa Bodysuit

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If your kids are afraid of Santa the jolly bearded fat man, just dress up as Santa the faceless creeper in the second skin bodysuit and show them what real terror is. Ho, ho, ho, an ocelot ate my face! Now I spread Christmas...

Grizzly Bear Underwear

$32.79 Firebox.com »

I know grizzly bears are meant to connote fortitude, ferocity, and...bigness...in a reverential way, but, uh, I'm pretty sure these grizzly bear underwear are intended only for dudes who don't want blowjobs. They could...

RazorPit Blade Sharpener

$29 Amazon »

A Mach 3...or 9...or whatever the hell number they're on now, a pack of blades, and a RazorPit. Gifts for Dad = done. The RazorPit, which I prefer to think of as a Big Boy Bed for my razor, recruits a patented friction...

Pinky Queen Nipple Lightener (NSFW)

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I understand that Pinky Queen nipple...pinkener?...is a boobie beauty tincture developed with a female customer base in mind. And I definitely think females with nipples that are splotchy, unsavorily-hued, or look like...

Elf Sweater

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At first I was like, This is the ugliest ugly Christmas sweater I've ever seen. It is so ugly it's not even ironic, it's just ugly. Then my (newly single!) friend Cornelius reminded me it looks like Will Ferrell as Buddy...

Sundial Ring

$24.99 Amazon »

To use the sundial ring, hold it upright to align one of its 3 reference lines straight up. Calibrate to your time zone by using the reference line corresponding to to your latitude (i.e., northern cities use a different...

Passages - The William Shatner Watch

$399 indiegogo »

Now, is the Passages the kind of Shatner watch that can command an Enterprise, or the kind of Shatner watch that encourages you to name the price you'll pay for it, and if there are any left in stock, it's yours? Well...

Meteorite & Dinosaur Bone Rings

$387 - $1,749 Etsy »

If your special someone is really that special, you won't just give them a ring, you'll give them a ring from a bazillion years ago! A ring that symbolizes how grand, vast, and enduring your love is. A ring that proves...

Knuckle Duster Beard Comb

$31.75 - $100 Shapeways »

Could the knuckle duster beard comb become the new pinky ring? Intimidating, yet decorative, with the added bonus of serving a pragmatic purchase? Oh boy! I hope this power play comes to pass. I'd consider the finger...

Animated Ugly Christmas Sweaters

$54.95 - $64.95 Amazon »

I see your ugly Shhh!-ing Santa Christmas sweater, and raise you an ugly Shhh!-ing Santa Christmas sweater with animated eyes bouncing lecherously to and fro as if he were watching a naked lady elf tossing relay and entreating...